


An Absence of Myself

by Kalinke



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Depression, Divorce, F/F, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-09
Updated: 2013-03-09
Packaged: 2017-12-04 19:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalinke/pseuds/Kalinke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry doesn't feel quite right. Hasn't for such a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Absence of Myself

_I am not_ , is what she writes down.

_Really. This is me. Not me._

She would like to cry now. But she doesn’t. She needs to be strong. She needs to be strong just now. You need to be strong, Sweety. Can you be strong just now?

It happened while she was skipping through one of Clara’s books. Those books Clara needed for work. Those books that Harry’d promised to put into cardboard boxes. Yes of course she’ll do it. Brave smile. No, it’s no problem at all. _The New Age Movement_ by Paul Heelas and she couldn’t care less about the book. Or New Age. Or Clara. But something inside her made her open the book. Something twisted and dark and sad wanted to read what Clara reads and cares about. Later she will spend hours thinking about why it was this book. This one book and not one of the others.

Because it’s this book. And a random page. Page 135. Chapter 5. “Uncertainties of Modernity.” She remembers reading that and feeling calm, almost amused in that uncertain way she’s so familiar with.

It’s only when she goes on reading the quotes introducing the chapter that she finds it and shatters: “An absence of myself. I was only half alive, not quite real, and I knew it.”

===

Harriet is six and her Aunt Jen is dead. She knows what that means. She doesn’t need anybody to explain that.

She never liked Aunt Jen.

That’s why she’s not crying.

John is crying.

 ===

Harriet is seven and John is ten and in hospital. She knows what that means. Her Mom’s explained it. Acute appendicitis.

She’s not worried. Why would she be worried? Mom and Dad have promised that he will be fine. Why would they lie?

=== 

Harriet is eight and making breakfast by herself. The smell of the burnt beans won’t leave the kitchen for hours. It won’t ever leave her.

=== 

Harriet is nine and Dad asks her what she’s doing.

“Singing,” she answers, smiling brightly.

And he laughs, not unkindly, and says, “You shouldn’t sing, Harriet. You really don’t have the voice for it.”

=== 

Harriet is ten and wearing lipstick. She is in love. They kiss and he’s got red smeared across his cheek and on the collar of his shirt. She thinks she can keep him.

John just smiles when she tells him, rolls his eyes, and takes her to the playground.

=== 

Harriet is eleven and she has the worst belly ache ever. She’s staying with Lucy and Lucy’s mother is worried. Harriet feels like her bladder’s going to explode but when she goes to the loo there’s nothing. Lucy’s mother calls Harriet’s Mom.

Three hours later the pain and the tears are gone.

=== 

Harriet is twelve and in school and the whole day feels off. And it’s almost a year after that day with the belly ache. And this time when she goes to the loo, there’s blood. She knows what it means but she doesn’t have anything. Lucy gives her a pad.

Later that day her Mom will smile and hug her and tell her that she’s out of pads. Would Harriet go to the store alone? Now that she’s a woman and all grown up.

 ===

Harriet is thirteen and there’s a new teacher at school. He’s also in her dreams. There’s cuddling. In her dreams.

=== 

Harriet is fourteen and she’s kissing Lucy. And then she pushes Lucy away, wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and runs home. Harriet wanted to try it and it was nice. Really it was. But. But, she doesn’t know. It was not quite right. But it wasn’t wrong either.

When she’s back home, John’s lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. He looks at her and seems to realize that something’s wrong. He asks her if she wants to go to the playground. She doesn’t answer, just shakes her head no and goes up to her room.

===

Harriet is fifteen and this time it’s serious. Her mother’s got cancer. Her mother’s dying of cancer and her dad has his hands on her shoulders. The pain in her throat feels like a living thing, expanding and pulsing and too hot.

“You need to be strong, Sweety. Can you be strong just now?”

=== 

Harriet is sixteen and so tired.

John’s fucked off to uni.

=== 

Harriet is seventeen and has decided she’s no longer Harriet. She’s Harry now.

=== 

Harry is eighteen and she doesn’t know what to do with her life.

She thinks she wants to be a teacher.

=== 

Harry is nineteen and she loathes the idea of teaching. It’s so bad it makes her physically ill.

=== 

Harry is twenty when she meets Clara. She thinks it’s love at first sight. She won’t find out for another two years though, because Clara’s dating Simone. They’re a lovely couple.

Harry on the other hand, doesn’t even know what to do with her life.

=== 

Harry is twenty-one and she’s working as a waitress. John tells her to go into medicine. She isn’t stupid after all. She could get in. And she does.

=== 

Harry is twenty-two and John seems to have been right. Sort of. It’s not fun, but reading and learning and remembering chemical compounds and chromosomes and proteins and anatomy is easy enough.

=== 

Harry is twenty-three and she thinks she’s enjoying sex. That it’s sex with Clara is an extra-bonus. 

=== 

Harry is twenty-four and John decides to leave.

=== 

Harry is twenty-five and has taken to relaxing with a glass of wine, once in a while.

=== 

Harry is twenty-six and her dad asks her if she wants to graduate anytime soon.

=== 

Harry is twenty-seven and Clara asks her to marry her. Harry says yes. What else would she do.

=== 

Harry is twenty-eight and she’s got so much to do. The house and the meta-analysis of Betty’s research. Clara’s birthday’s coming up and John’s coming home. 

Harry’s got so much to do, there doesn’t seem to be anything left for her. Left of her.

=== 

Harry is twenty-nine when she accepts that she has at least one problem.

=== 

Harry is thirty when she tells Clara that she wants to get a divorce.

And after Clara’s gone, Harry realizes that she’s been lonely for so long. And so tired.

=== 

Harry is thirty-one when she gets help.

Her therapist is nice, friendly. Later she will laugh at Harry: When Harry gets stuck with what she needs and what she is allowed to feel. When Harry is going in circles. She can feel the frustration building in her legs and stamps her feet. That’s when her therapist will laugh. A quick surprised sound intended to mirror Harry’s actions. Harry thinks that’s okay. But it doesn’t feel okay and when Harry tells her so, her therapist smiles and apologizes.

=== 

Harry is thirty-two when she meets Sherlock Holmes for the first time.

She can feel his gaze on her, feels how he’s reading her tired eyes and bitten finger nails and smiles because she’s been through worse.

“You’re…” Sherlock begins, raises an eye-brow.

“Yes,” she says. “This is who I am.”

“Ah,” is what Sherlock says, already distracted by his phone.

 

The End


End file.
